


To be so lonely.

by fxlminare



Series: BELLAMY BLAKE COLLECTION [77]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Heavy Angst, Jealousy, Mutual Pining, POV Bellamy Blake, Worried Bellamy Blake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:55:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27226147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fxlminare/pseuds/fxlminare
Summary: "the reader likes Bellamy but she doesn't know if he feels the same way because he's quite a playboy. The story could go like, they all live in the same house or condominium building, work at the same company, and all. Then it was a Saturday night and Clarke was having a birthday party at a club so the reader goes to Bellamy's unit to ask him if he's ready to go but sees him and Raven dressing up, with all the after sex vibes. Bellamy sees her and tries to explain but she runs away. Then, in the club, she'd go wild. Bellamy gets jealous and mad so he and the reader would end up in a fight. I'll leave you to it but I would like the story to end with them being together"
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Reader
Series: BELLAMY BLAKE COLLECTION [77]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2110968
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. [Part 1]

**Author's Note:**

> ****
> 
> **details:** A/D alcoholic drink of choice
> 
> **a/n:** do y'all read the summary or blindly trust I'm going to write sth that makes sense

**YOUR POV**

It had been a long week but it was finally Friday and what better way to put the week behind us than a birthday party at the club? Clarke had had the brilliant idea of celebrating hers there this year and I, for once, couldn't be more on board with this plan of hers. We had all agreed to meet at the club but since Bellamy was home, I decided to drop by so we could go together like we usually did. I liked Bellamy a lot and, at times, I really thought we were going somewhere with our relationship but he was also quite the playboy so I had never been sure; it didn't bother me, I'd rather stay friends than lose him because my feelings made him uncomfortable. Of course, I wanted to tell him one day but now was not the time.

As the clock hit the hour, I got out of my place, making sure I had everything I needed on me before making my way through the hallway to the elevator, having texted Murphy and Raven if they wanted to join me, Murphy saying he was going straight to the club and Raven didn't respond, so I settled for just checking on Bellamy and going from his place to the club. As I got to his door, I decided to ring the bell, not wanting to search for my keys now for he had given me one to his place like I had given him one to mine. It wasn't that big of a deal, Octavia and Murphy had a key to my place too like I had one for theirs.

\- "Y/N?"

\- "Hi," -I waved at Bellamy as he opened the door, it was easy to tell he hadn't been expecting me at all- "just dropping by to see if you're ready and wanted to..."

\- "Is that, Y/N?"

\- "Raven?"

I furrowed my eyebrows for I hadn't expected Raven to be up here which made me also wonder why she hadn't answered my text.

\- "I can't find my phone."

I watched as Raven walked past Bellamy's living room and it'd have just been a funny anecdote if the pieces didn't start to fall into place: Raven was walking around with just her shirt on, bare legs and just her underwear, my eyes going back to Bellamy, now realizing his hair was messed up and was hiding behind the door so I wasn't sure if he was still naked but I didn't want to find out. I felt like my ribs were hugging my heart a little bit tighter every second I stood there, and I didn't want to cry; I didn't have a right to be angry, we were nothing, I knew he slept around from time to time I just... I didn't expect to almost run into it. With a mutual friend of ours. I had to go.

\- "You guys are busy, I... I'll see you at the club."

\- "Y/N, wait!"

\- "No, it's okay, I'm fine on my own."

I shot running out of there. Every time I felt like I could tell him, each time I truly believed he felt something for me, this happened. That night it had been Raven but it could have been anyone else. I had honestly wondered when that'd happen. I rubbed my cheeks as I got into the elevator, smiling at the old lady on it, trying to make it seem like I had something in my eyes, but she knew, offering me a tissue. Why did I even go without texting him first? Because that was what we used to do. Maybe not anymore.

\- "It'll get better with time, honey." -the old lady squeezed my hand, a soft motherly smile on her lips that made me feel just a bit better- "If it's not meant to be, you shouldn't force it."

\- "Thank you."

Okay, so maybe I needed to get my ass up and move on from what would clearly never be, and what better way to start doing so than a party at the club with my friends? I wouldn't even have to see Bellamy with all the smoke and the dim lights and all the people. Yes. I was ready to have a good time and forget all about that week, including that whole day right up till I started drinking. It was a great plan.

\- "Y/N!"

\- "Happy birthday, Clarke!" -I ran up to her as soon as I saw her at the entrance of the club- "You don't look a day over 21."

\- "You're always so charming." -Clarke chuckled as we hugged, seeing that Finn was at the other door of the club inside- "Thank you for coming."

\- "I'll give you your present tomorrow cause tonight is for drinks!"

\- "I like that plan." -she looked behind me- "I thought..."

\- "I'll get going inside," -I cut her off because I knew exactly where she was going- "is anyone else here?"

\- "Yeah, Murphy and Jasper are already in."

\- "The two best people to get a party started." -I nodded satisfied- "They are only missing me."

Clarke laughed and pushed me to go inside, waving at Finn as he got out towards Clarke, kissing her as they stood at the door together, which did bring a smile to my face, but it also felt bittersweet because I wanted that too, so I simply shook my head and walked inside, leaving my stuff at the entrance and talking for a bit with the woman there, which gave me a few laughs and a number that I was more than willing to use one of those days. I finally walked inside, not wanting to risk being where the light was still on harsh when the rest came in, opening the door to the club and soon finding Murphy and Jasper at the bar, making a couple of drinks for themselves and some other people there who Clarke had invited too that I wasn't sure who they were, so I strode towards both my friends, soon being engulfed in a big hug.

\- "I thought you were coming with Bellamy."

\- "He already had company."

\- "He did?" -Murphy eyed me as Jasper had moved behind the bar to get me a drink- "Who?"

\- "Raven."

Murphy knew how I felt about Bellamy, it was pointless hiding it from him for, after Bellamy, Murphy was my best friend and confidant; I adored him. So it didn't come as a surprise when he clenched his jaw and hit the bar with his fist; I was certain he'd go out to find him if I didn't stop him, placing my hand on his chest and shaking my head. It wasn't worth it.

\- "Okay, then we are going to have fun tonight." -he took my hand in his- "Find you someone to go home with if you'd like..."

\- "I already got a number." -I chuckled, showing him the paper.

\- "Damn, I'm going slow."

I laughed wholeheartedly, seeing both the impressed and sneaky look on his face, so I knew, no matter what, it was going to be a good night with my friends. Jasper joined us again, handing me my first drink of the night, saying I had to get on with it to catch up with them, not that I minded; the more I drank, the better I felt, the club started to get full with people for Clarke's birthday and some other's for another party -or that was what I supposed; either way, I was soon on the dance floor with Murphy. And it felt okay.

**\----------------**

**BELLAMY'S POV**

As soon as I saw Y/N's eyes filling with tears, I knew I had fucked up; that was the moment I realized maybe she liked me too and I, of course, had seen it all too late. I knew she didn't care about me sleeping around like I had no issues with her doing so too but something about that day...

\- "Hey, why did she leave?" -Raven came back into my living room, finally having found her phone in the kitchen, now all dressed up again- "Come on, we'll be late."

\- "You can get going, I'll catch up."

\- "Hey, are you okay? I thought we..."

\- "I'm fine; it was good, it's not that."

\- "You sure?"

\- "Yeah. I'll see you at the club."

Raven understood I didn't want to be pressed into it or, more so, understood I wasn't going to tell her more about it and left. I needed a shower, I felt dirty after Y/N's eyes with a broken expression glued themselves into my brain. I had to explain. It was just sex; I didn't want Y/N thinking Raven and me were a thing... god, no, it was just fun without ties. And it wasn't that I was afraid of commitment, I wanted commitment, I was ready, but the only thing missing was... Y/N. I wanted her, I wanted her so bad but I was so convinced she only wanted me as a friend... I had to explain and clear this up. That was what I'd do. And, hopefully, we'll get a happy ending out of this mess. It was a good plan, quickly getting dressed after the shower and feeling so much more optimistic about the rest of the night now, being really late but still looking forward to it. And then, it all went south.

I got to the club and everyone was already there, finding Clarke as soon as I stepped inside, sat with Finn and Monty and Harper, having a couple of drinks and laughing, wishing her a happy birthday and apologizing for being so late. She told me she was surprised when Y/N came in alone which reminded me I had things to do so, as soon as they started to go back to their own conversation, I started looking around: it was almost full, the dance floor and the bar and I wondered where Y/N would be. I found Jasper with Emori, both of them quickly pointing somewhere in the crowd, Jasper clearly drunk and Emori very interested in what was going on at that spot, so I turned around, seeing something that made my heart drop to my stomach: Y/N was there, yes, but she wasn't alone, she was with Murphy. And it'd have been good if it weren't because of the way they were dancing; his hands all over her, settling on her waist as she had her back to him, dancing really close; it was more like fucking with clothes than dancing. And I knew I could be bothered but not show it, and yet, my heart got the best of me.

\- "We need to talk."

As soon as I got to them, I grabbed Y/N's wrist, not giving either of them a second to question me, pulling her away from the crowd, feeling my blood boiling.

\- "Bellamy, hey, stop!" -Y/N pulled on my hand- "You're hurting me!"

\- "Oh, sorry." -I immediately let go of her.

\- "Sorry?! What the fuck is going on?"

\- "You can't do that?"

\- "Dude, you're gonna have to be a bit more specific here." -she giggled, taking a sip of a drink she had caught from the waitress- "I'm a bit tipsy."

\- "Dance like that."

\- "Come again?"

\- "With Murphy."

\- "What?" -it was as if the tipsy had left her body, her eyes on mine full of anger- "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

\- "I'm your friend."

\- "Exactly." -she pushed me back- "You can't tell me what I can and can't do. You're just a friend."

\- "It makes me sick, seeing you all over Murphy like you're about to eat each other's mouths."

\- "Why the fuck do you care whose mouth I eat?"

-"So you don't deny it?"

\- "Go fuck yourself."

\- "It makes me uncomfortable."

\- "Then don't fucking look." -she tried to move back but I held her back, I needed her to understand- "Let go off me!"

\- "No, Y/N, I need you to stop."

\- "You aren't the boss of me."

\- "It's disgusting!"

\- "You're disgusting!"

I pulled her back to me again but, this time, two girls had walked by and seeing Y/N struggling with me, they screamed and two guys quickly walked in and pulled me away from Y/N, no matter how many times I tried to explain that we knew each other, the girls getting Y/N out of there and I lost sight of her for that night, trying to find her as the guys let me go, threatening me if I bothered anyone else. Y/N wasn't there. The more time I spent looking around for her, the clearer my mind became and the more I realized how fucking wrong it had all come out. I had to find her and apologize. I didn't mean to tell her what she could and couldn't do, I wanted to tell her I hated it because I wanted it to be me. Because I was jealous, not because I thought I owned her. She was hers, not mine.

**————————**

It had been well over two weeks since Clarke's birthday party, since the day I realized I had fucked it all up with Y/N; she had been avoiding me ever since, no matter how much I tried to corner her again or how much I texted or called or even rang at her house, it was as if she had never been there. And I hated it. And I knew I had had no right to be angry or feel betrayed if Y/N had actually gone ahead and slept with Murphy, especially not after I had done the exact same thing with Raven, but it felt... awful, I felt horrible knowing my big mouth had gotten the best of me, knowing I could have just explained myself properly and even tell her how I felt. And maybe we could've been a thing, and we could have done all that and more, but I had gone and...

\- "Bellamy? Your floor."

\- "What?"

I had taken the elevator back at the compound finding Murphy already inside; I had not been in the mood to talk with him so I had simply gone in and hit my floor, going back to my thoughts and not even seeing the doors opening in front of me.

\- "Dude, are you okay?"

\- "Yeah, sure."

\- "Why don't you just go talk to Y/N?"

\- "What?"

\- "You've been looking horrible since Clarke's birthday." -he held the door open as I felt glued to my spot- "It's no secret it's because you and Y/N fought."

\- "Oh, did she tell you that before or after you had sex?"

\- "I'm not going to take part in your game." -he got out of the elevator, but not without pressing some bottom before he did.

\- "Murphy!"

I hit the elevator door as it closed with him outside, cursing under my breath as I massaged my fists, looking at the numbers changing, knowing exactly where I was going but hoping I was wrong. But I wasn't. Y/N's floor. I sighed as I got out, dragging my feet through the hallway more so than actually walking, knowing I had to get to Y/N but dreading what could happen; I wanted to apologize, to say I was an asshole and that she had every right to close the door on my face, that I was no one to ask her with who she slept with or tell her what she could do but I had been so angry, seeing her glued to Murphy, his hands on her hips, threatening to go lower... it set fire to my blood. And that had been wrong. And I knew it then like I knew it now.

\- "Maybe we need to learn to be friends again before anything else."

I missed Y/N, I missed her more than I had ever missed anything in my life; my days had always been brighter with her around, it was like seeing her made the sun shine brighter, even when it was pouring rain; I missed getting out of work and finding her as she got into the building, holding the elevator for her and starting to laugh together as soon as the doors closed; I missed when I saw her around work and she'd always have a smile for me, how we'd meet as we went into our break and conversation would never die between us. Life was better with Y/N, and my life had sucked since that night. I had to fix it.

I stood in front of Y/N's door, still trying to think of what I wanted to say and how I was going to say it; I didn't want to say something wrong because I was terrified I'd make this worse than it already was. I took a deep breath and finally rang the bell, feeling like all the blood was being drained from my face, fidgeting with my fingers and having a very annoying tick on my leg that I was trying to get under control when the door opened.

\- "Bellamy?"

I looked up from my hands, landing eyes on Y/N as she looked at me with confused eyes that quickly morphed into an annoyed frown. I had to say something, anything but all I could do was stay there, stuck in my place, allowing my eyes to take her in after so long: I had missed seeing her but not like this, she looked tired, like she hadn't been sleeping well -or at all, and I knew her well enough to know she had been crying and I hoped it was because she had been watching a sad movie and not because of us, because of me. But I knew it was because she had been avoiding me ever since the night at the club and I hated it.

\- "I... I'm sorry."

\- "Why are you here."

\- "I came to apologize."

\- "After almost a month?" -she rose her tone, closing her eyes and clenching her jaw as she realized- "I don't..."

\- "Please, Y/N," -I placed my hand on the door as I saw her intention of closing it on my face- "I... I miss you."

I heard her sobbing behind the door, the strength I felt against my hand disappearing as she walked back inside, leaving me standing there so I didn't waste another second, going in after her, closing the door and finding her in the kitchen, over the sink, hands to the sides and a cup with her favorite warm drink next to her. I felt my heart painfully shrinking inside my chest as I saw the hurt in her eyes as she turned around, picking up the cup and taking a small sip, rubbing her eyes and sniffling.

\- "Why have you come now?" -she sneered at me, but I deserved it- "To see how hurt I still am?"

\- "I never wanted to hurt you."

\- "That's easy to say."

She scoffed, walking past me, unable not to follow her with my eyes before I even realized my feet were carrying me after her, sitting opposite to her on the couch, seeing the movie paused on the tv, knowing we could have been doing just that like we used to do if that party hadn't gotten between us. Just two friends having a movie night. Y/N had been my best friend for as long as I could remember and not having her in my life felt so wrong.

\- "I've been wanting to speak with you."

\- "Don't you dare say you haven't because I've been avoiding you."

\- "I haven't because I didn't know what to say, I still am not sure of what I want to tell you other than I'm sorry, but I know it's not enough. Words aren't enough."

\- "We can finally agree on something."

\- "I'm sorry for how I reacted when I saw you with Murphy."

\- "You had no right."

\- "I didn't."

She nodded, taking another sip from her cup, moving her feet up on the couch as I looked at her.

\- "I miss you, Y/N, you're my oldest friend, my best friend and I..."

\- "You are that to me too!" -Y/N's cup hit the table as she didn't contain herself for any longer- "You were the first person I ever wanted to talk to when something good happened to me, the only person I wanted to see when I had a bad day and yet... you got angry at me for dancing with our friends? You're the one who was sleeping with someone else, not me. Not that I care because we're just friends but if you think you have the right to be mad at me for dancing then I should be enraged that you're fucking someone else only to come hours later to tell me I can't dance with Murphy like that because it makes you uncomfortable!"

\- "I know I messed up and I want to make this right."

\- "You cannot act like this, you can't act like the only one hurt here is you."

\- "I'm not acting like that."

\- "Ah, no?" -she stood up, starting to pace the room- "Y/N, you're my this, my that, I this, I that, I want this, I want that... Not everything is about you, Bellamy! Don't you think I was hurt too? Don't you see I've been a fucking mess since you... since you...ugh!"

She threw her hands in the air before covering her face with them, getting out and back into the kitchen, murmuring things I couldn't comprehend as I followed her. Her movements were sudden and brusque as I went over her words; I knew I had hurt her by acting like a dick but...

\- "Since I what, Y/N?"

I stood next to her, seeing her hands shaking as she took out a bottle of A/D, trying to pour it into the glass in front of her but she couldn't. I moved my hand on top of hers, taking the bottle from her but she didn't move, just waiting for me to pour her the drink, taking the glass and giving it a good sip as I put the bottle down. She was still shaking but I knew she wasn't cold, she was enraged like I hadn't seen her in a long time, eyes closed as she took deep breaths. I wished I could read her thoughts.

\- "Nothing." -she looked at me- "I don't accept your apology."

\- "Y/N..."

\- "That shit's not an apology, it's just you saying random things to get to me and it's not fair."

\- "I know, I know."

\- "Leave."

\- "Wait, hear me out."

\- "I said lave, Bellamy, go find someone else that'll listen to you like I did, that'll be there for you like I did, not telling you what you could or couldn't do because I understand how a friendship works, find someone to love you like I did."

\- "I..." -my head jerked in her direction as my brain processed her words- "You what?"

\- "You heard me." -she faced me again, for she had started to move away- "I was so hurt when I realized you had slept with Raven just as I thought we might have been able to be something else, but guess what? I'm not a fucking jerk and I didn't act as if you owed me an explanation because you didn't. And then you dare coming to tell me I can't dance with my friend just because you think the dance is too sexual for your liking? Fuck you, Bellamy. And fuck me for thinking we could ever be something other than friends."

\- "I'm here to apologize for being a fucking asshole."

\- "Get out."

\- "No, because I know if I leave now, I'm going to lose you and I can't do that."

\- "Maybe I'm ready to lose you."


	2. [Part 2]

**YOUR POV**

Where did the strength to shout all I had been feeling at Bellamy come from, I had no idea, but I was glad I could finally put it into words. Those weeks without him in my life had been horrible; I found myself about to text him or call him every day, wanting to tell him something, remembering just in time about that awful night at the club. I hated everything he was making me feel. I too had been angry he was sleeping with Raven; I mean, I didn't get a saying in what he did but I wanted that to be me, I was angry at myself for not having said anything before and finding them just as they had done it like that... I didn't blame them, I just couldn't look at them without being reminded of what a coward I was. And then Bellamy cornered me in the club just to ask me -no, demand me not to do that with Murphy? No.

I was also lying as I said I was ready to lose him: I wasn't, he was my best friend for fuck's sake, this shouldn't be happening. But there was nothing I could say or he could add to make this better now. Maybe it was the alcohol I had been drinking since before he arrived, or maybe it was the excruciating agony inside my chest as I saw him looking even more miserable than myself at my door. Words were only words. Maybe he did feel something for me and me and Murphy made him jealous but that gave him no right to be a possessive piece of shit, especially not after sleeping with Raven and taking into account we weren't together. I wished the alcohol would make me feel better but it only gave me a headache, so I shoved Bellamy out of my apartment as much as I knew he was trying his best, but I wasn't ready. And maybe not being ready now would mean I'd lose him, but that was a problem for sober me, passing out on the couch without any more tears in my eyes.

\- "Y/N?"

I vaguely heard my name, but I was certain I was asleep, so I turned around thinking I was on my bed and it was just a dream, almost falling from the couch as I did.

\- "Hey, hey, careful there." -someone caught me before I landed on my face, helping me back up on the couch, sitting straight, finally figuring it was Murphy- "Hangover?"

\- "You know it." -I sighed, holding my head and closing my eyes again- "I'm so glad it's Saturday."

\- "I was going to be cruel and tell you it's Wednesday but..."

\- "Don't say you pity me or I'll smash the first thing I find on your head."

Murphy chuckled, asking me to lay down again, saying he'd make me breakfast and his infallible remedy for hangovers; he refused to tell me what it was but, truth was, it always worked. I told him what had happened and, for some reason, I could tell he already knew but I was too tired to question him. He stayed with me for the rest of the day; what I liked the most about Murphy was that he was always there, I didn't even have to call anymore, he just knew, and he didn't push me to tell him about it -half of me knew he already knew.

\- "So..." -he glanced at me from the opposite side of the kitchen table- "what will you do?"

\- "Move on, I guess."

\- "Did he apologize?"

\- "He tried but..." -I shook my head; I knew he had tried but I was still mad- "why did he react like that? Why did he think he had the right?"

\- "I don't think he was thinking much." -he rose his hands in surrender as I gave him a death glare- "I'm not siding with him, I'm saying he wasn't thinking with his head."

\- "He was definitively not thinking with his dick either so?"

\- "You do realize there's a third option here, right?"

\- "No?" -I furrowed my eyebrows as Murphy shook his head- "You know something, spill it."

\- "What did Bellamy tell you?"

\- "Why are you avoiding my question?"

\- "Why are you avoiding mine?"

\- "Ugh, Murphy!"

I threw my hands in desperation, pretending to choke him from the distance as he took a step back pretending to be scared. He got on my nerves so easily at times. But I was not in the mood to fight, so I decided I'd figure it out on my own; I knew the last option was 'heart' but that shit made no sense, how was he thinking with his heart when telling me I couldn't... _No, absolutely not. That'd make it worse. But could he...? No._ I decided not to keep thinking about it before it gave me a bigger headache than I already had but there was one thing I knew for certain: if Bellamy truly felt sorry, he'd show it with something other than words. I hoped he would. I missed him.

The next couple of weeks were interesting. I still saw no sign of Bellamy per se, but I saw a lot of him around, just glances and shadows of him around the compound and work but never real encounters; he still texted me, even if I refused to answer and left him on read, lengthy apologies that had made me tear up a couple of times. I knew he knew he had no saying in what I did with my life, even less with my sex life and it'd be hard to prove that he knew that with actions but he didn't give up and he was managing to do it in a way that wasn't overwhelming or creepy. How? I had no idea, but I could tell he meant it all, sending me pictures of things that reminded him of me, or funny things or when he cooked something... Whenever I used to get one of those, I'd always go to his place to try it, it was what we used to do but now...

**\---------------**

**BELLAMY'S POV**

I knew I had fucked up and I was trying everything that came to mind to make it right. I knew Y/N still didn't want to see me, but I also knew she was still reading my messages so at least she hadn't pushed me completely out of her life. I saw her around the compound and sometimes at work; when I saw her going for her break, I made sure not to be on mine not to make it awkward, as much as the only thing I really wanted to do was see her and talk to her face to face. One time, without really thinking, I sent her a picture of something I knew would make her laugh; I only realized we weren't on exactly speaking terms when I had already sent it. I wondered if that was too much, if she'd think I was trying to play it all down, if she'd think I was trying to move on. That wasn't what I meant so I made sure to explain it in a text, sending it just as she got online and saw the picture. It was stressful, nerve-racking, being on her open chat, seeing her online and the messages read, wondering if she'd block me now, if I had... she exited the chat without responding. But I was still not blocked.

We went at it or, more so, I went at it for a couple of weeks, not really expecting an answer, not really getting one. We coincided at the elevator once; I attempted to get out but the people in front of me made it hard, impossible really, so I stood there, at the back, thinking of going all the way to the last floor and then back to mine without Y/N seeing me, but soon it was just us there and I started feeling out of place but she didn't seem to care at all, standing opposite to me, facing toward the doors until they opened on my floor and I stood there, glued to my place.

\- "I think this is still your floor, Bellamy."

My head jerked up, seeing Y/N was holding the button for the doors to remain open, glancing back at me for a second but I still didn't react, this was the first time I was really seeing her, let alone having her talk directly to me. Once I finally got out of my stupor, I nodded, thanking her and walking out, unable not to look back at her as the doors closed, seeing she was looking at the floor but had a smile on her face. God, I missed her so deeply.

I kept sending her messages and pictures, funny things that I knew would make her laugh, still trying to find the right words to say, the courage to go to her place and knock on the door and explain myself. I knew I had done it all wrong and being jealous was the thing I hated most about myself and I hated, even more, it had come between us. The rest had texted me, wanting to know what had happened between us but I didn't feel like telling them for this was between me and Y/N, knowing she hadn't spoked about it with anyone else; well, with Murphy certainly for he kept pestering me about being an asshole and shit I already knew but he also told me Y/N was doing better and even let it slip that she had said she missed me. I wasn't sure if he was being honest or if he was trying to help but I certainly would rather believe I was going the right way.

That Friday afternoon, I was just laying on the couch, not having any plans after work, just laying there, not finding anything on tv, not being in the mood for anything. My phone went off with a message, a tone I hadn't heard in way too long, quickly jumping from my place, picking my phone up from the table and unlocking it, seeing a message from Y/N. I was so excited and it was so unexpected, my hands started to shake as I clicked on it, seeing it was a picture; a picture of some kind of dessert. My phone went off again; another message from Y/N: _"Need some help with this one."_ I started laughing, feeling a tear rolling down my cheek, running to get my keys, shoes, and shirt, being at Y/N's door in less than it had ever gotten me to get there.

\- "Hey."

\- "Hi."

I couldn't help my heart from beating way faster than it had been before even as I had come up the stairs running, seeing her at her door, holding my gaze and moving her head, inviting me to get inside so I did, gulping as I realized I hadn't thought this far in advance, my mind going blank as I stood there like I had never been at her place before... like a deer in headlights. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out, watching as Y/N walked past me into the kitchen, realizing then that there were two plates in front of the dessert, moving after her and sitting down in front of my plate.

\- "I've been making this all afternoon, so it better be good."

She giggled as she put a piece on my plate. She looked so good, she looked happy and that was all I wanted for her.

\- "I'm sorry, Y/N. I should have never reacted the way I did because I don't own you and I have no saying in your life. You're my best friend and not having you in my life all this time has been hell but I deserved it; I deserved it for how I treated you and what I said, and I see know how wrong I was and how much it hurt you and I promise you I've learned from it and it will never happen again."

\- "Bellamy..."

\- "I don't want to pretend like it didn't happen." -she looked up from her plate, focusing her eyes on mine- "I need to acknowledge it and the pain I caused you."

\- "You've been doing that since it happened. More or less."

\- "But I hadn't told you face to face and you deserve to know; otherwise, it's not a proper apology. I don't want to say, _'hey, sorry if I offended you'_ because that's like saying that I'm sorry you can't deal with my words, putting the blame on you with a fake apology but that's wrong, it wasn't your fault, it was mine. I'm sorry I said what I said and..."

\- "You've been doing a lot to make it right."

\- "I have?"

\- "I've read every single text you've sent me." -she smiled gently, licking her lips and chuckling softly- "Even that one about that funny dog."

\- "You're the one I always want to text when I see a dog."

\- "It made my day."

\- "I'm glad."

**\-----------**

**YOUR POV**

Seeing Bellamy at the elevator had made me feel some type of way; things had also developed after that: on the weekends, I had found at times that someone would ring my door and I'd find a trail with food in it, going back into my kitchen to find a picture of it on my phone from Bellamy, explaining what it was. I wasn't going to lie, it did surprise me the first time, wondering who'd have done that and if someone wanted to poison me until I saw his picture. He was really trying. And it wasn't helping my heart get over him, especially when he knew how well he actually cooked. It wasn't fair.

Murphy had also dropped by a couple of times during the weeks with news and with questions and I wasn't sure if I looked forward to it or dreaded it.

\- "So, any news?"

\- "You're just in time for lunch."

\- "Oh, am I?"

\- "You always are; shut up and come here." -I knew he'd come so I had set up the table for both of us- "It's Bellamy's."

\- "Oh, so he wasn't lying."

\- "What?"

\- "He asked me if I thought you'd take food if he placed it on your doorstep because he missed having you over to try it."

\- "He did?"

\- "Yeah. I knew you'd take it but he seemed weary." -he half scoffed, half laughed- "As if you'd ever refuse something from him."

\- "Murphy!"

\- "Am I wrong?"

\- "I won't take his jealous, possessive attitude when we aren't even a thing."

\- "I am wrong; that's an excellent point." -Murphy took the first bite- "I think he's learned his lesson."

\- "But have I?"

I wondered if my heart had understood that just because I wanted something, it didn't mean I'd get it. I knew, the first time he came, I had said he'd have to find someone to love him like I did but he had never referred to that on his texts so I assumed he either didn't hear me or he hadn't realized the full meaning behind my words. I had stopped drinking to cope with it the next day after I realized all the things I could've said.

And now, there he was, in all his glory, looking like he had been about to take a nap with his hair all messed up and a random shirt and sweats, and my heart had definitively not learned its lesson. Maybe it would one day, one day when Bellamy finally settled down and I'd have to just watch as he loved someone else. Maybe I would too.

\- "You've been doing a lot to make it right."

\- "I have?" -he really seemed surprised, like he wasn't sure if he had done enough but not really knowing what else to do.

\- "I've read every single text you've sent me, even that one about that funny dog."

\- "You're the one I always want to text when I see a dog."

\- "It made my day." -I smiled, looking back down at my plate; I felt like a teen in love for the first time.

\- "I'm glad."

I glanced at him for just a second, seeing he was smiling down too at his place. We stood there in silence as we ate and for the first time since we fought, I found myself not going over it all on my head, simply enjoying his company and the food. I felt at ease again, like the universe had found balance, opposite to how awful time alone had been for my brain didn't know how to shut up.

\- "Allow me." -Bellamy stood up as I was about to pick up both our plates- "I'll do the dishes."

\- "I've missed you."

\- "I've missed you too."

\- "I hate doing the dishes so it's good you're back."

\- "And here I was thinking you missed my company."

I tried to hold back my laughter but failed as his own took over everything else, contagious and happy as could be, following him next to the sink, jumping on the counter and sitting beside him; it was all so familiar and I had missed it deeply.

\- "You know I've actually missed you, right? Not just because you do the dishes."

\- "I hoped you had."

He stood in front of me as he dried his hands and I couldn't help myself, pulling him to me with my legs and hugging him, sighing relieved as he held me in his arms, hiding my face on his neck, smelling the familiar scent and feeling home. It sucked that I felt at home with someone that didn't feel like that about me, but it was better than never feeling this way. At least, I liked to tell myself that.

\- "Now," -I let go of him- "will you, please, explain why you reacted so childlike?"

\- "I was... jealous."

\- "But why would you be jealous?" -I tilted my head as he sighed- "We've gone to the club countless times, you could have come dance with us, with me, and it'd have been okay."

\- "I wouldn't have danced that way with you."

\- "Are you going to keep being a hieroglyph I can't read or are you going to explain?"

\- "I just got you back, I can't lose you again."

\- "Bellamy, what are you talking about?"

\- "I'm not ready."

\- "Did something happen? Are you okay?"

\- "Yeah, yeah... it's just..." -he looked away, he was doing an awful job at keeping me from freaking out- "I'm sorry."

\- "I'm so confused."

I was starting to see where this was all pointing towards but I couldn't believe it. Bellamy had... feelings for me? That'd explain why he'd be afraid to lose me -if I didn't reciprocate, it'd be awkward, it'd explain why he was jealous -he wanted to be the only person I danced like that with, but it didn't explain why he wouldn't dance with me like that at all -Murphy and I were friends and we knew each other's boundaries like Bellamy and I did for each other. _Unless..._ I busted out laughing as the thought finally formed coherently in my head, making it all make so much more sense. Murphy had been wrong. So wrong.

\- "What's so funny?"

\- "I've figured it all out."

\- "You've figured what out?"

\- "Why you wouldn't dance with me like that." -he furrowed his eyebrows for just a second before his face dropped, attempting to move away from me but I had his legs trapped with mine.

\- "I should go."

\- "Or... you could stay and we can figure us out."

\- "I can explain."

\- "I know I'm hot, so you're going to need a better excuse."

\- "I... wait." -he focused back on me, ending his struggle and settling his hands on my knees- "You think I wouldn't dance like that with you because I'd get hard because you're fucking hot?"

\- "Is that not the answer?" -my ego was not liking that one bit.

\- "I..." -he shook his head, letting out a funny scoff- "You're really something else."

\- "Dude, you wouldn't be the first..."

\- "I do not want to know."

\- "You're trying to tell me you don't think the hot girls you dance with aren't..."

\- "I know that." -he moved his hands in front of me, making me stop talking- "I have to tell you something."

\- "I don't think my ego can sink any lower today." -I let go of his legs, pushing him away and jumping to the floor- "Am I going to need a glass of wine or some harder alcohol for this?"

\- "You and me both."

**\---------------**

**BELLAMY'S POV**

I knew I could've gone and made her believe my inability to control my dick was the issue here but that seemed a gross and worse outcome than actually telling her my real... issue. She eyed me cautiously as I told her we'd both need a drink, nodding after a moment and asking me to move to the sofa so I did. I thought she already knew I thought she was hot; I knew she thought I was hot; the rest of our friends knew which was why they all wondered why we hadn't slept together yet. The answer? Y/N was not someone I wanted to be friends with benefits with. I wanted more and, if that wasn't what we were going to be, the only reason I'd sleep with her was if she asked me to because she wanted me. I wouldn't initiate it because I knew how painful that'd end up being and I was not ready for that.

\- "Okay, here you go." -she walked past me, handing me my glass and settling on the other end of the sofa, crossing her legs over it and facing me- "Shoot."

I couldn't believe I was about to do this. I couldn't believe my jealously had gotten me here. I spun the drink on my glass, taking a good sip, feeling the liquid courage burning my throat as Y/N eyes burnt my own. This was a terrible idea. But at least I got to see her one last time before she kicked me out for good.

\- "I thought you already knew I think you're hot."

\- "You only surround yourself with hot people," -she chuckled, licking her lips- "I should've guessed it sooner."

\- "Or you could have listened to me say it a dozen times."

\- "I thought you were playing."

\- "Why?"

\- "Well, you are quite the playboy." -she shrugged her shoulders- "I thought you told that to everyone."

\- "You're out of your mind."

\- "Then help me get back inside it."

I sighed, ending what was left of my drink in one sitting, hearing Y/N calling me insane but I needed this. I took a deep breath and placed the glass on the table, asking Y/N to do the same because I was not looking forward to ending up covered in whatever she was drinking.

\- "Bellamy," -she took my hand in hers and my heart did that funny thing it only did with her- "you're my best friend, whatever you've done, I'm not going to pour my expensive alcohol on you." -I busted out laughing, leaning back on her couch- "And now that that awkward cloud you've had going on is gone, spill it."

I knew people usually confessed what they felt when they thought the other person could feel the same way but, still to this day, I was no good at reading Y/N's exact feelings for me. _"Find someone to love you like I did."_ No way. Her words from that terrible afternoon started dripping down my brain and then Murphy saying that I should stop beating the bush and tell her before she found someone else. I thought he meant another friend but as I stood in front of Y/N, eyes on mine, able to read the hope in them, I realized, maybe she did. Or maybe I was making it all up now as I went to make myself feel better.

\- "I have something to confess."

\- "Okay."

\- "And I hope what we are to each other won't change for the worse after I tell you."

\- "You aren't going to patronize me about my life, are you?"

\- "I swear I'm not doing that again. Ever."

\- "Then, I think we'll be okay."

\- "You know you've been my best friend for the longest time." -she nodded with a smile on her lips that I hoped would never leave them- "Well, the more time I've spent with you, the more I've realized how I never want to lose you."

\- "Same page."

\- "I hope so." -I took a deep breath and her hand on mine, running my thumb over its top- "I don't want a life without you in it but not just like we are right now; I... fuck, this is hard."

\- "It's okay, we have all the time in the world."

\- "The reason I was seeing red when I saw you at the club and why I felt so fucking awful when you found out I had been with Raven and why I'd never be able to do a slow, sensual dance with you is because... because I can't do that without thinking of you a certain way."

\- "You better not tell Raven you were thinking of me while having sex with her."

\- "I'm sure she was thinking of someone else too, it's okay." -I cleared my throat- "That's not the point."

\- "I'm listening."

\- "The point is... I think you're hot, yes, but I also think you're funny and smart and loving and gentle and brave and adventurous and so many other things that could have me here speaking for hours but, as a summary, I think you're... you're all I want. All I've ever wanted and all I'll ever need." -I saw as the confusion took over her face for a second- "I'm in love with you, Y/N, and I... I know I have no right, but I want you all to myself to do things couples do."

\- "So you wouldn't dance with me like that because you don't want a taste and not know anything else."

\- "Yes." -I licked my lips as I looked at our hands- "Sometimes I thought you felt the same but then you'd sleep with someone else and I'd realize you didn't, and then I saw you with Murphy and I thought of what I had just done with Raven and that... I wished all those things could've been you and me."

\- "Have you been thinking of me while having sex with other people for a long time?"

\- "Yes."

I had nothing left to lose now, so why lie about it? I knew it wasn't the best thing to be doing but I also knew most people I had ended up in bed with didn't care who I was, just that I was hot and was willing to do it. Raven and I had had a quick round that I wasn't sure how to explain, she had come to me, we had ended up on the couch, and... that was it. Raven enjoyed it, I did too and there wasn't anything else to it like we both knew.

\- "Do you realize how much time you'd have saved us both if you had told me just that?"

\- "What?"

\- "I'm saying..." -I hadn't realized but, to my surprise, Y/N hadn't moved away; in fact, her fingers were interlaced with mine now- "if you wanted me all to yourself, you could have started with that."

\- "Y/N?" -I eyed her as she let go of my hand, standing from the couch and I thought this was it- "I'm sorry, I..."

\- "You should be."

Instead of moving away, she came towards me, making me sit straight and sitting on my lap, gulping as she did, my brain turning off as I forgot how to breathe, Y/N's hand on my chin, making me look up at her, a teasing smile on her lips.

\- "I don't want to sleep with you like this, Y/N, don't do this to me..."

\- "I didn't say we were going to have sex now, did I?"

\- "Then what are we doing?" -I finally came out of it, resting my hands on her hips, allowing myself to enjoy this for however long it lasted- "What are you doing?"

\- "I have a confession to make."

\- "Please, don't tell me you've been fantasizing about having sex with me on the couch."

\- "And what about it?"

I choked on my saliva as she came at me as blunt as she got, laughing and leaning back to pick up her glass, offering it to me, a glint of something in her eyes I hadn't seen in a while... excitement, but for what? I drank the small amount of liquid left on her glass, handing it back to her and trying to think of ugly things before we actually had a problem.

\- "So... you weren't lying when you said you think I'm really hot."

\- "I just said hot, but yes." -I eyed her- "You're really hot and this is not helping my case."

\- "What did you think would happen when you told me how you really feel about me?"

\- "That you'd kick me out."

\- "And does still being here like this not... trigger any thoughts?"

\- "Some, but not the way you want to go."

\- "Let me see if I can help."

She took my face on her hands as she leaned closer to me, I gulped really hoping she wouldn't kiss me because, even if I wanted it, I didn't want just a tiny taste; luckily, her lips moved past my face, feeling her hot breath on my neck, a shiver down my spine as I moved my hands from her body and over the back of the couch, thinking ugly, cold things, until she spoke, murmuring in my ear something I was not expecting to hear.

\- "You asked me if something had happened for me to stop sleeping around." -she rested her chest over my own, feeling her hands on my hair- "You happened."

\- "What?"

\- "I want you to be just mine too."

No way. She hadn't just said that. I made her move back, her bottom lip caught in between her teeth as she eyed me with cautious eyes.

\- "I think I deserve some props for managing to make you believe I hadn't fallen for you."

\- "You... have?"

\- "Why else would I ran away from your room as I saw you had slept with our friend?"

\- "I thought that too but..."

\- "Then your jealousy took over you and you made us lose a whole two months." -she crossed her arms over her chest- "Two months we could've invested in many other more fun activities. That couples do."

\- "We'll have to make up for lost time, then."

\- "Allow me."

Y/N chuckled as she wrapped her arms around my neck, moving my own to her hips and pulling her back to me, allowing her to be the one to start the kiss, feeling my chest significantly lighter as my lips moved against her own, enjoying having her this close to me, knowing this was better than anything I could have made up in my dreams. She ended up pulling us both on the sofa, laying underneath her but about to turn us around when she stopped me.

\- "Oh no, I don't have sex the first time I kiss."

\- "Oh, you don't?"

\- "You have to take me out on a proper date for that."

\- "So, sex on the first date?" -I smirked, running my thumb over her cheek- "Really?"

\- "I mean, you and I have covered all the basics already, we know each other all too well by now, you have keys to my place..."

\- "You have keys to mine." -she nodded, closing her eyes and leaning into my touch; just as I thought she couldn't be any more beautiful...- "If you think about it, it's like we've been dating for a while now."

\- "Could be."

\- "Then, I've taken you in plenty of dates."

\- "But it's never been official, has it?"

\- "So you want an official date and then dessert back at my place?"

\- "Are you going to make dessert?"

\- "We could make it together."

\- "Just to be clear, I really want actual food for dessert." -she moved her head to look me in the eyes, serious look on them before she smiled playfully- "Then the other dessert."

\- "Have any plans for tonight?"

\- "I think I might be going out on a first date."

\- "Where do you want to go?"

\- "Surprise me."

\- "Then put on that Y/F/C dress/suit..."

\- "No way." -she chuckled as she rose on her elbows- "That does it for you?"

\- "Have you seen yourself in it?"

\- "I look pretty great, don't I?"

\- "Go." -I pulled her back to me, kissing her gently before pushing her on her feet- "I'll be back in an hour."

\- "An hour?"

\- "I'm not going with these sweats." -she eyed me as I picked up my keys- "Although they make it for you, don't they?"

\- "Shut up!"

\- "I can put them on when we're back."

\- "Please, do."

She walked up to me again, biting my lower lip as I rested against the door, my hands on her lower back, and I wasn't sure which of us was making the kiss needier but I was not going to complain, pecking her lips again and saying I'd be back soon, to which she answered I could go pick up my clothes and come back while she showered, giving me an idea that she was quick to wipe from my brain saying no nudity before the date, pushing me out of her place, leaving me in the hallway with a light heart full of love and a smile on my lips that I was certain some would describe as stupid, running back to my place to shower too. I couldn't believe this was how the day was going to end but it was the best outcome that I'd have never imagined I'd get, knowing already exactly where I was going to take her. Y/N and I's first real date. And I didn't want to go on any more dates that weren't with her. I was hers. For as long as she wanted. For as long as I lived.

**Author's Note:**

> ****
> 
> **Feedback, comments, thoughts? Anything.**  
> 


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